Author: Sadhana Singh, Counselling Psychologist
Editor: EmptyCare Team
Updated: 8th Feb 2023
Did you know that being socially connected to family, friends, or our local community can make us happier, physically healthier and improve our emotional wellbeing? But just having social connections is not enough, it’s about the quality of these relationships. Strong, stable and fulfilling relationships helps tackle feelings of loneliness, isolation and improves our mental health.
There are many false beliefs about relationships in our society that are widely accepted as facts about love and romance. These misconceptions have been passed down through generations, perpetuated by popular culture and media.
I want to address the fact that many widely accepted ideas about relationships are false and can prove to be detrimental to relationships. These myths do not reflect the realities of relationships and are often idealistic expectations that are difficult to achieve. Debunking these myths is important, especially when it comes to relationship anxiety. It's time to approach relationships with a practical mindset.
10 relationships myths that you should stop believing right now!
1. Soulmate (there is one person for everyone)
Perhaps the most widely believed relationship myth out there is that there is “one” certain person out there for all of us. One person? Out of billions of people. Just the thought of it is quite overwhelming. Personally, I feel this idea should be a relief. It takes the pressure off, doesn’t it? In our modern world, dating is hard enough; imagine if you had to hold out for that single soul that matched yours.
The idea that there's only one person meant for you in a romantic sense is not accurate. There are many potential partners, and you have the power to choose who you want to be with. Believing in this idea of a "soulmate" creates unrealistic expectations and can cause fear and anxiety. Finding someone who brings out the best in you and is willing to build a strong relationship based on love and commitment is more important than searching for a soulmate. Find someone who makes you a better person, someone who encourages you to meet your own destiny and become the best version of yourself. I don’t know about soulmate but a progressive partner should be the pursuit.
2. Doubts mean don’t
Doubts in a relationship can come from various sources, and it's essential to distinguish between normal worries and genuine red flags. Instead of jumping to conclusions, it's better to examine the root cause of the anxiety and address it.
However, most of the time these doubts arrive from intrusive thoughts deep seated in our unconscious as fear. For instance, you might a fear such as, “what if I get bored?” To answer that you might have to explore your experiences with a therapist, but conventional advice might say, if you feel doubt, get out!
In the modern times, we know this is not the truth. When you have doubts, communicating with you partner, your therapist and family/friends would be helpful. Understand the reason for these doubts. I believe a thought like that is simply a starting place for investigating your fears and your feelings.
3. You need to be “100% sure” before marriage
Who among us is ever completely certain of anything? There's this myth that cold feet indicate a problem or having doubts during your engagement means you shouldn't marry the person, but most of the time, these hesitations and nerves are completely normal. Doubts and nervousness before tying the knot are normal and to be expected.
Marriage is a significant commitment. Why shouldn’t it make you nervous? It's a life-changing, role-shifting, never-ending proposition. Geez! (Okay, I'm not trying to scare you away from it. Marriage is fantastic, I can only imagine!) Marriage eliminates loneliness for individuals. Marriage makes you more effective in working as a team versus working as individuals. Through challenges, you both mature. And a side bonus, you have wonderful kids that came from our union but the point is that not being certain is not necessarily an indicator. It just means that this decision is important for you, and you are nervous. And you'll know you're in the majority if you feel, say, 70% prepared before walking down the aisle. Repeat after me, “Doubt does not always imply refusal”.
4. The ‘spark’ should always be there
We all want to be loved and to express love. But then again love and excitement is not the same thing. While the early stages of a relationship may involve fluttery hearts and breathless anticipation, those heartbeats eventually slow down, and you can catch your breath again. The feeling of a spark may diminish over time, but that doesn't mean the love has faded. Love evolves and deepens, and it's crucial to recognize and embrace these changes to maintain a long-lasting relationship.
The key is to distinguish between the two. When they no longer feel that "spark," many people panic, not realising that it has been replaced by a more profound and lasting version of love and affection. You can rekindle the flame, but there's no denying that love evolves and changes with us. If we want to experience the depth of a long-lasting relationship, we must embrace these changes.
5. You need to have tons of sex for a good relationship
Yes, having sex is important in a romantic relationship but it's not the only factor that determines the quality of the relationship. Every person and relationship is unique, and the focus should be on mutual satisfaction. The idea perpetuated by porn creates some insane expectations about men’s sexual prowess, orgasms, how women should act during sex or what they should look like. Not true!
However, even if you don’t have a lot of sex or even little sex you can still have a very good relationship. Also, the idea of sexual relationships is quite subjective to each individual so only focus on your and your partner’s needs.Cooperate with your partner to learn about each other's individual sexual needs and desires. Your sex life will be unique to you two, and what matters is that you are both happy. There are no external parameters.
6. Fighting is a sign of doomed relationship
The modern perspective towards fights in romantic relationships stands on calling it vital and productive for healthy relationships. Conflict and disagreement in a relationship is normal and can even be healthy if managed in a safe, fair and productive manner.
The key is to fight fair and fight right. Learn how to manage conflict resolution. It's about balance and ensuring that your conflicts are not pushed away but rather confronted in a healthy manner.
Don’t shy away from arguments, but instead turn them into a tool for building a better relationship.
7. Playing hard to get is the best approach
Being upfront and honest is always the best approach in relationships, playing games like "hard to get" is not recommended or healthy.
There isn't much to say about this one. Why did the cool-guy mentality become so popular in dating? Why do we become more interested in someone who does not appear to be interested or available? When is it ever a good idea to hide your true feelings?
Sincerity and truthfulness are always the best approach. Why should you begin your relationship by playing games?
8. There is a set timetable for each milestone in the relationship
People are not getting married at 20 or 21 for the past few years. Marriages are occurring statistically later in life (which has been linked to a lower divorce rate, yay!) as people prioritise their careers, growth and other endeavours first.
But if you are someone who wants to start their family life as early as possible, you do you!
The point is that there is no set timeline that people must adhere to. The pressure to get engaged, married, buy a house, and have children by a certain age is unnecessary, and it undoubtedly contributes to the existential anxiety that many of us experience at different points in our life.
We all have our own timelines; our relationships have their own timelines. There is no rush to live life by other’s standards. This also refers to how every timeline is not going to be the same, you might want to have children, you might not.
9. You should never feel attracted to anyone else except your partner
You're not dead; you're getting married or in a relationship! This is a funny quote, but it contains a lot of truth. Just because you're in a long-term relationship or married doesn't mean you'll lose your ability to be attracted to other people.
In a study published in Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy in 2019, almost 70% of participants said they'd experienced some kind of attraction toward someone other than their partner while in a long-term relationship.
There is nothing wrong in being attracted to people outside your partner, but whether you act on those feelings is the key.
10. Your partner needs to complete you
Should we really be looking for someone else to complete us and make us whole? You guessed it–nope!
Projecting your needs onto your partner can lead to dissatisfaction in the relationship and it's important to understand the root cause of these feelings. And if you feel like you are not enough, just as you are, please give yourself a hug and affirmations like you are enough might be helpful. Quit searching for a god-like person to come in your life and save you because that might ruin your relationship with that person. It is an unhealthy aspect too.
A committed, loving relationship can absolutely have a healing nature, but it is only part of the work that you must do individually on yourself.I hope that as you move forward in your current relationship or any future partnerships, you will always appreciate the truth of love. When your relationship requires it, dive in and do the necessary work.
Even when you don't get what you need in return, you should occasionally give to yourself. Prioritize your partner. Feel free to express yourself. Tell your partner how you prefer to be loved. Argue, reconcile, and make it better. Create something lasting that you can be proud of. Make history together.
And without reservation, Love.
